Cause I’m scared That somehow I’ll cease to belong Anywhere

FRUSTRATED

Probably the single best word I can use to describe how I've been feeling lately. Frustrated with this economy and the fact that I don't have a job, frustrated that I can't get over my pride and apply for jobs that I don't want to apply for, frustrated with my craving for material stuff, frustrated with my friends from high school, frustrated with trying to be a YL leader across the country, and above all frustrated with God that he won't just fix it all in a snap of his fingers. Tonight, I'm going to focus on one of these, but I hope to detangle these frustrations in the coming posts.

Now, this is my blog...I made it because my hand cramps too much when I journal and I seem to be on my computer fairly often (*cough far too often cough*) But I have recently learned that people actually read it. And that's cool, I'm all for it...but I'm not going to let that fact change the way I am writing. These are my struggles, my inner-most thoughts and feelings. I am writing to get them out of my boggled mind and hopefully find some healing and comfort in articulating them. Most of this stuff I never say aloud, and it is healthy for me to get it out somehow. But just because I don't say it in conversation doesn't mean they are not a part of who I am.

So, back to what's going on right now. In these past two weeks or so, I've noticed a difference in myself. I've been more sensitive to everything around me, be it the weather, the way people interact with me, the stuff I am surrounded by, or how I spend my days. It could be the environment change that has my emotions heightened, but what I really think it is, is my separation from God. I know it sounds silly, but whenever I move from place to place and drastically change the routine of my days, and thus my weeks...my faith somehow takes a backseat as I try to re-calibrate myself to my surroundings.

So what though? I moved HOME, that's not very different, now is it? I mean, the house is redecorated, but it's the same, the city is the same...where's this "drastic difference?" Well, this time the difference is ME. I am different, I have changed. When I was home six months ago, I was one way...now I am quite another. A series of events, people, and discussions with Jesus while I was at school had to do with that...but regardless, I am different and my surroundings are relatively the same as how I left them, give or take a couple dozen degrees.

So I adjust. I unpack, I get to know what's going on in the lives of the people at home, I test out the new soaps in the bathroom, and I drive with the sunroof open. That's the easy part. The difficult part for me, however, is finding that delicate balance of managing my time properly and weaving God time into my days. Now, when you're unemployed and don't have many friends in town...managing time is not a difficult thing to do, because I have lots of it. But what has been difficult, has been figuring out how this different Sara fits back into the same Spokane.

Now I realize that I haven't changed THAT much, but still I am different. And to be honest, this is harder than I thought it would be. I feel the same emotions I felt all through high school in terms of friends...and I can't stand it. Mostly because I went away to college and escaped those feelings. I have a great set of very dependable friends that I made, and feeling left out really wasn't an issue this year. But wham bam...the minute I step back into my old life here in Spokane, they allllll come flooding back. It hurts. It sucks. But it's the situation I'm in. I am frustrated though. I'm not like most of my friends from LC...that's simple. I don't wear designer clothes, live in the greek system at school, or have a disposable income. I realize that I'm living a different life than them, and thus don't have much common ground to relate to everyone on. But I feel like I can't truly be myself here. I went two thousand miles away, and enjoyed the freedom of being 100%, purely, and organically Sara. And I loved it. This year has been the most freeing experience of my life, and I got to know myself outside of the people who have typecast me as a certain person for all the years we have known each other. But I have noticed that when I am around them now, I clam up...go back in my shell and don't let my true colors show.

Why is that? It's so dumb. I am me, and that's all I can be. But when my phone doesn't ring for days, and I hear stories of friends getting together and I wasn't invited, decisions made without my knowledge....it hurts. It brings back deep insecurities that I didn't have to deal with these past nine months. I feel left out, and want to go back to that community two thousand miles away that I miss so much. I don't like pretending to be something I am not...but that's what I do here, I feel the need to act like them and talk like them when it's quite obviously not who I am. That inauthenticity gets me in trouble and adds to the isolation. But it sucks being left out, and being the only different one in a group that is so seemingly similar to each other. I want so desperately to fit in, that it's easier just to shut up and go along with it rather than speak up and be myself. It's like high school all over again.

So my prayer request is that I can be Sara Ashley, that I have the confidence to tell stupid jokes that no one laughs at but me, the courage to not be ashamed of my non-designer material goods, and the grace of God in my heart when I begin comparing myself to my peers...because I am beautifully and wonderfully made, and no one can take that away.

Perfect song for the moment.